The past month for me, if I’m being honest has felt a little bit like an out-of-body experience. The days have merged together, and in most cases, I am unaware of what day of the week it is. I’ve heard stories and empathized when those around me have mourned the loss of their loved ones. Yet, nothing could prepare me for losing the person closest to me. My go-to guy. My covering. My big brother.
I’ve never had to imagine what this grieving process would look like, yet and still, heard the words of many as they attempted best they could to console me. From my understanding, there are stages to grief. Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance. Somehow, everyone around me was so sure that I would need to go through each of these stages. I adamantly refused, even at some point asking, “Why would they wish this on me? Why would they speak that over me?” I’m going to grieve graciously. While I may fall apart, I won’t grieve how the world grieves.
When my word tells me I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me and that His ways are not my ways, I hold onto it and decide I won’t go down like that. I won’t grieve how everyone else grieves, surely, because my rock and sure foundation is Christ. I carry myself differently because I’m a King’s kid. So, when people wonder how I have joy, how I hold it together in the worst moments of my life; I say it’s God. He is my strength.
So imagine my surprise, when I started to feel angry about losing my brother.
Immediately, I connected anger to something that I shouldn’t be feeling. It’s wrong to be angry. You should be slow to anger. You should refrain from anger. Right? That’s what the Word says.
I had to examine my heart and find the root cause of my anger. Who was I angry at? What was I angry about? Is my anger justified? As I sat with it, I came to the realization that I was angry at a system that failed my brother. I was angry at people who didn’t do their job. Angry that what is morally right was not done and upheld to save my brother’s life. Angry that the people put in place to protect and cover him were negligent. What was supposed to be done wasn’t done. On this walk, I aim to be Christlike in all that I do, so then the question arose, “Did Jesus ever get angry?”
The time that I do recall Jesus getting angry, his anger was righteous. He kicked over the tables and chased out everyone who had set up shop to buy and sell in the Temple (Matthew 21:12-13). His anger shone the light of God on the darkness that was at hand. His anger was to establish the kingdom of God, protect it, and revere it as it ought to be.
While we go through the motions and experience several emotions as human beings, anger is a reaction. One that is justified when it is righteous. Yet and still, it is only natural to be angry at a system that fails us. Or to be angry at injustice. Or to be angry that justice isn’t served. One must also understand that vengeance is never yours. The Lord who sees it all and who knows it all gets the final say. Always.
While it may not make sense to us, while it hurts us, while it confuses us, while it makes us feel like the rug has been pulled from beneath us; He makes ways in the wilderness and understands why He allows certain things to happen. That doesn’t make it hurt any less. But it’s the truth we hold onto that helps us to release.
The fair and just God will always fight on your behalf. He sees what you don’t. So it’s not your job to avenge yourself. Vengeance is His and He will repay (Romans 12:19). We have a Heavenly Father who is a better parent than any earthly one and who always says what He does and does what He says. Much like a mother or father may take something from their child to protect them because they have hindsight and see what’s ahead-- God does that for each of us.
So, I don’t know what truth you’re struggling to come to terms with. I don’t know what’s keeping you up at night. I don’t know the storm you may be facing. But rest assured in knowing that the battle isn’t yours to fight. You have a Father who fights on your behalf as long as you give it to Him.
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